The History of the Metatron
by queen-severus
Summary: Hehe, the story of the Metatron left OUT of the Bible. Just kidding, y'all. Not trying to add to the Bible, hehe. Just trying to have fun. Significant changes have been made to chapter one


Disclaimer:  I obviously don't own Dogma, View Askew, etc.  I make no claims to adding to the Bible in any way.  This is not scripture.  If you think it is, you're severely screwed up.

AN:  beginning kinda doesn't work b/c I know that God couldn't've  talked to 'em b4 the Fall (they went through five Adams before they figured that one out…).  This is just funnier.  If y'all like this entry, let me know, and I'll put it up some more;)  maybe all of the Torah;)

AN2:  I added a bit to the end of this kids, b/c I realized I didn't finish Noah, and I wanted to make the next chapter solely devoted to Abram/Abraham.

"BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!  BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD"

           "Oh, this is the shoddy replacement they've sent down now that God's being all pissy and won't talk to us"  splash's water on Metatron

           "Oh My GOD.  What is with the water???  YOU KNOCKED OFF MY FIG LEAVES!!!!!!!!"

           "Yeah, well, I see you're not as **well endowed** as I."

           "HELLOOO, SHRINKAGE!!!!"

           "SUUUUURE, if that's what you're calling it these days!"

           "You better watch your wife, Adam.  I have no qualms about telling her about.. Lilith."

           "You wouldn't dare!"

           "Just because I'm the voice of God doesn't mean that I'm ONLY allowed to say what he tells me.  Well, you just blew your chance.  I was coming down here to tell y'all that you were being so good that God was going to let you back into Eden, but I guess y'all blew it… AGAIN."  poof

note:  as of this point, God made all of the angels as anatomically impaired as Ken dolls, b/c he didn't like the way that Eve had made ga-ga eyes over the Metatron.

[…]

           "BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!  BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!

           Cain douses the Metatron with some of Abel's Blood"

           "THAT"S DISGUSTING.  YOU FREAKIN' MORON.  NO WONDER GOD DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!  SERIOUSLY THOUGH!"

           "Dude, sorry man.  Just trying to put the fire out."

           "AND WE'RE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AWAY FROM THE INVENTION OF BLEACH!! This is NEVER going to come out!"

           "Man, I've seen you before.  You talk to Dad a lot."

           "Don't automatically assume he's your father **evil Metatron grin**  mutters…God that Eve was hot in her prime…Anyways, you royally screwed up kid, killing your brother and all, so as punishment, God is making me kiss your forehead so people don't know to kill you, you have to wander around the land of Nod, get married to your sister and have little inbred babies."

           "And this would be different from a normal day BECAUSE."  Cain winks at the Metatron

           "Get away from me you FREAKY POOF!"  POOF

[…]

           "BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!  BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!"

           Noah pokes the Metatron with a stick, pushing him into a creek

           "GOD, MAN, THIS IS WOOL.  IT NOT _SUPPOSED_ TO GET WET!!!!!!!!"

           "What do you want, Metatron."

           "God wants you to build an ark out of Gopher Wood, take 7 pairs of clean animals and 2 pairs of unclean animals, and your family, and put them on the ark.  Then, it will rain for forty days and forty nights.  After which, you will send out birds until they stop coming out, and you will start over again as a race."

           "Tequila?"

           "What?"

           "Want a tequila?"

           "What??"

           "TEH-KEEE-LAH.  That's Spanish for HANGOVER"

           "So, you mean, alcohol."

           "Uhhh, yeah…?!"

           [several hours later; both very inebriated]

           sings            "Show me the way to go homehiccup

                                Because I'm tired and I want to go to bedbelch

                                I had a lil' drink about an hour ago,

                                And it's gone right to my head."Noah passes out

           "Guesh I'm gonna haff to make arrura trip down 'ere…"  POOF

[…]

           "BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!  BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!"

           Before Noah can hit him with a bucket of water, he stays his hand.

           "Look, I have an awful headache from that shit you gave me yesterday, so no.  I'm not on fire anymore, you don't have to douse me.  No."

           "But Metatron, this WAS for your hangover."

           "Oh… well, then…  sighs go ahead, though you're going to RUIN the wool again…."

           Noah douses him w/ said bucket.  The Metatron looks slightly less irritable

           "Thanks, Noah.  Well, do you remember what I told you was going to happen and what God wanted you to do?"

           "Yeah, he said to take some bricks and make a house on the mountain, fill it up w/ plants and wait for it to snow."

           "AAHHHHH, I don't know why I even BOTHER!!  It's not like anyone listens to ME.  I tell Adam and Eve not to listen to talking snakes.  Do they listen to me??  NOOO.  I tell Cain to act as if he liked God when he gave of his flock, and did he listen?!?  NNOOOO!!"

           "Dude, you don't have to go postal.  So I got it wrong?  I was slightly inebriated last NIGHT."

           "AND THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN ANY NORMAL NIGHT?!"

           "Look, what am I suppose to do?"

           "Ok, I'll tell you again, but for God's sake, man LISTEN this time!  … … …  Ok, God wants you to build an ark out of Gopher Wood, take 7 pairs of clean animals and 2 pairs of unclean animals, and your family, and put them on the ark.  Then, it will rain for forty days and forty nights.  After which, you will send out birds until they stop coming out, and you will start over again as a race.  Got that!?"

           "Sure, but what's an ark?"

           "It's a big boat with a roof."

           "And what's Gopher Wood."

           "A valid question.  Biblical scholars will be trying to figure THAT one out for years…  Um…  look, I'm really  not sure.  Just find any wood and build the damn boat, I mean ship, I mean GOD DAMN IT!  ARK!  BLOODY ARK!!  You've got like 2 days, ok?"

           "Yeah, whatever Metatron.  Hey, one for the road?"

           "NO!!" poof

[…]

"BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!  BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!"

Noah is busy splashing about in puddles, and doesn't see the Metatron.  He does manage to splash muddy carcass-ridden water all over the Metatron

           The Metatron, not even believing his luck, decides not to say anything concerning the muddy water.  He does shove Noah over into a rather large puddle, then smirks as only he can.

           "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR??"

           "Look, shut up.  I see you and your family managed not to fuck up God's decree too badly.  You only forgot to put the unicorns, centaurs, and dragons on, oh and ALL THE DINOSAURS, but I guess that was to be expected coming from YOU"

           "But.."

           "SHUT IT.  I don't have all day!  I've got TONS of other people I could be talking to."

           "Actually, you only have seven other people you could be talking to."

           "SHUT. UP. YOU!  Anyways, from now on, God says he isn't going to destroy the WHOLE human race.  Maybe large pockets here and there, but never everyone. When you see a rainbow, you'll know that God is remembering his promise.  Got it?"

           "Noah, who is as usual very drunk, mutters to himself, "SOMEWHEERRRE OVER THE RAINBOW, WAYYYYY UPPPPP HIGHHHH."

           "This. Is. A nightmare."  POOF

Note:  Between Noah and Abram occurred the famous "Tower of Babel" scene in Genesis.  But as all God/The Metatron says is "TALK IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES, B/C YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF WITH THE DAMN TOWER," I didn't think it was worthy for an entire scene.

AN:  hehehe, btw, the last line of the tequila scene translates to "Guess I'm going to have to make another trip down here";)   Please R/R.  I will not continue this series past Genesis if I don't get some good stuff!  (or some funny flames;))


End file.
